Every time I disappear
by Heather King
Title
Every time I disappear
Artist
Heather King
Medium
Photograph - Photography
Description
Sometimes I am unable to speak and the only way I know how to is through my photography and art. I have 'come clean' over the years through my art with several of my afflictions; anxiety, borderline personality disorder, lyme disease, ptsd.
This one, this one is probably the most difficult one to 'talk about' and it is something I have kept hidden from so many for my entire life.
I am terrified of men. People often mistake my 'fear' for other things, in which I can assure you it's not. I don't hate men, I am truly scared of them. It matters not the age or race. Men closest to my age or those that have an interest in me, are the ones I'm terrified of the most. Sitting on a bus and having a man sit next to me is an inward anxiety attack of such profound fear that it feels like an elephant is standing on my chest or that my heart may explode from beating too hard too fast.
It's nothing personal.
I put on my happy face and I give it my best, you will perceive me as shy, quiet or in pain...but what everyone doesn't realize is every second this is happening inside I feel myself disappearing from reality and mentally/emotionally/spiritually running away from the situation, counting down the seconds where I can return home and lock my door and be safe.
In the past I have tried very hard to have 'coffee' with my male friends. I couldn't last 20 minutes, I thought I was going to die. I no longer recognized who was in front of me, and so many faces blended into one.
Not so long ago I had a dear friend come over to help Trinity and myself, the entire time I am reliving every form of abuse that has happened to me from men (including my blood line as well) whether it be mental, emotional, physical or sexual. I become frozen. Frozen in fear. I can barely speak.
How does one begin to describe 'it's not you, it's me, you've done nothing wrong but your kindness is literally terrifying the heck out of me'?
Without bringing up horrific personal experiences what can I say? What can I do? How do I approach this subject? What can I say to my male friends so they know it's not them?
I was really proud of myself as I took a ride with an online acquaintance many months ago to photograph eagles and owls and it was heaven on earth. He brought his son and little did he know that made me so comfortable and I could be my normal and natural self. But had he not have had his son come with us, I honestly don't think I could have gone, even for the sake of OWLS. What does that tell you? He is a wonderful human being and the best dad I had ever met.
Last year I spent time with someone who I platonically dated a decade ago.
We shared 11 days of bliss, romance and fun. My doctors met him, as did my friends. Those 11 days were better than any movie. I was told I was 'beaming' and 'glowing' and 'so happy'. After he returned home, he came back to visit me 40 days later. I recognized his voice, but not his face. I had blocked out everything sweet and romantic that happened. It was very alarming and terrifying for me to not remember what everyone else did. For the first few days of his return I sat fetal position in the corner telling him not to look at me or touch me. I WAS TERRIFIED. I felt like I date raped drugged myself because I had NO recollection of everything wonderful beautiful and amazing that he (and everyone else) remembered.
It's not an excuse or an easy way out, I literally could not remember those 11 days of bliss from 40 days ago. This pure sweet soul gave me his heart and apparently I gave him mine, but all those memories captured on audio and video were gone. I didn't recognize me.
I know I could lose a lot of near and dear people to me by speaking of this but I know not what else to do.
Instead of judging, please just ask yourself or think "what must have happened to her to make her this way" instead of placing labels or judgements.
I am truly sorry for anyone that I have hurt in my life unintentionally.
I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
Thankfully I spent a few days with this fellow not too long ago I was terrified out of my mind to let him visit me and even though I don't remember those 11 days, he forgave me, he understands.
Self portrait 2015
edited in Corel X6 and photoscape
P.S. Best case scenario, put me in a field with an owl and a camera my safe zone where I am strongest, happiest and feel the most free and we will be just fine
Uploaded
September 13th, 2015
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Comments (9)
Miroslava Jurcik
I am so sorry you have to go through it, and I people cannot imagine how hard it must be for you !! I have 19yr old high functioning autistic son who has a fear from going outside and making friends, so he is at home all the time. Few times he made a progress and then the support just wasn't there and he went backwoods. Its a long and can be very lonely journey . The pictures speaks volume and I am glad that you were able to express yourself through your outstanding artwork and also through your words. Just remember little steps and if you can do it, don't stress, try again later. l/f
Heather King replied:
thank you dear Miroslava, thank you for your compassionate heart and words. Sorry to hear about your son who is autistic although he is highly functioning (that's great) for him going outside and making friends is difficult:( it's so hard to find people who are understanding. I just became friends with a lovely soul on the spectrum, it's incredibly difficult for her as well, but I adore her, I find her normal to me, although others may not. I hope that he finds the right friend, it's better to have 1 or 2 super close friends than a hundred fairwhether friends. Does he have any hobbies?
Lisa S Baker
Wow, Heather, this is intense, raw, and emotionally out there...you are such a dear and my heart hurts for all you have had to endure...stay strong, my sweet souled friend. f/l
Heather King replied:
thank you dear Lisa and bless your beautiful heart.. i just had to get this out...i think i unintentionally hurt people in the past by seeming cold or stand offish, and i thought by writing about it and apologizing perhaps it would heal wounds for all
Dave Farrow
Heather dear, I had no idea that you struggled so much. After reading your description I was left totally broken hearted. It will bring tears to the eyes How could anyone be abusive to such a beautiful soul as yourself. In my 69 years I have seen the worst and the best of what human kind has to offer. I know men who are the worst ego maniacs I have ever seen, but in all fairness, I know "real" men who are caring conscientious individuals. I hope and pray you find peace because if anyone deserves peace it`s you. Hang tough my friend and may time bring you happiness any joy....You are a beautiful, deserving person Heather.
Heather King replied:
thank you dear Dave for your kind words...thank you for what you said about deserving peace, that means so much!!! you are such a dear heart Dave, bless you
Stephen Killeen
wow... powerful work and description! saddens me to read though :( i'm glad you have your Art and photography and owls... I truly am. L/F... I hope one day you can be okay around more men and know there are many gentle souls (and protective men, brothers, fathers) in this world. I mean knowing in your heart (as i'm sure your mind already knows that) and hope you are able to heal. I'm really sorry to hear about all of your struggles...
Heather King replied:
thank you Stephen:) didn't mean to make anyone sad, this was so difficult for me to write i was having a major anxiety attack after i posted it. it's not something most people know and it's really scary for me to talk about. i hope too one day i will be ok around men. thank you for your kind beautiful words:)